


An Age-Old Query

by ProseApothecary



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Drinking Games, I've lost track of how many Games Nights I've written, Let's call this number 300, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 15:08:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20438054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProseApothecary/pseuds/ProseApothecary
Summary: Drinking games in Patrick’s apartment have become somewhat of a tradition, at this point.Patrick places the bottle in the middle of the circle. “Worst relationship?”“Well.” Alexis says. “I once thought I had moved in with this Sicilian model, only to realise, two weeks in, that he thought he was holding me hostage. And by then I’d already bought a lot of glassware.”





	An Age-Old Query

Drinking games in Patrick’s apartment have become somewhat of a tradition, at this point.

Patrick places the bottle in the middle of the circle. “Worst relationship?”

“Well.” Alexis says. “I once thought I had moved in with this Sicilian model, only to realise, two weeks in, that he thought he was holding me hostage. And by then I’d already bought a _lot_ of glassware.”

She looks to Stevie, who shrugs. “Mine’s the throuple.”

“Really?” David asks. “That was your _worst_ relationship? I spent two years with someone who dated me because I was cheaper than a body pillow.”

“Wait,” says Patrick. “There was a moment when you were a cheap date?”

“I’m a fine wine. As I mature, expect to spend more.”

“Ah. And what vintage are you, exactly?”

“Nice try.”

“Stevie and I have a bet going. At some point, we’re gonna need to know who won.”

“Rest assured, whichever one of you guessed younger is correct.”

“Ten dollars, down the drain,” says Patrick.

David tilts his head and narrows his eyes.

Patrick’s smile isn’t dampened. “For Stevie, obviously.”

“Lies and slander,” says Stevie. “I guessed you were a sprightly 58.”

“Can you give us a clue at least?” Patrick asks. “I mean, you’re a fan of the Chordettes, Mariah, and Fifth Harmony. It’s hard for me to get a read on that. Are you sure you’re not just immortal?”

“If I was immortal, I would know Keanu Reeves. And if I knew Keanu, you would have to work a _lot _harder to keep me.”

“Mm. Unrelated question, didn’t you hate having to rewind VHS tapes as a kid?...Or possibly as an adult…?”

David looks at Patrick blankly. “What’s a VHS?”

Stevie jumps in. “Convincing. And would you say you saw the French Revolution coming, or…?”

Patrick laughs and David pinches his waist. “Took a _lot_ of notes when they were inventing the guillotine.”

“Be honest, David.” Alexis says, “did you faint at the first moving picture?”

“Ok, you realise that as my _sibling_, you can’t be like, a whole century younger than me. I need to know that you realise that.”

“Maybe I was adopted.”

“What? That still doesn’t-”

Stevie interrupts. “David, what did you think of the advent of talkies?”

“Ok, no one wants to jump in on the fact that Alexis doesn’t know how _time_ works?”

Stevie shrugs. “She makes it too easy.”

Alexis glares at her. “Oh I’m an easy target? Do you remember the time I saw you eating handfuls of mint from the motel garden? The one that drunken guests often mistake for a bathroom? Because you ‘forgot to buy toothpaste’”?

“And I got several compliments on how minty fresh my breath was, so…”

David’s eyes get significantly wider. “But _I_ said that. When we were dating.”

Stevie glances out the window.

“Oh my _God_. If you let someone into your home, do you not make sure it’s _tidy_ first?”

“You _know _the answer is no. And is your tongue really a houseguest in this metaphor?”

“Wow,” says Patrick. “Just going straight for the visceral imagery. Great.”

“Trust me, this is much worse for me than it is for you,” Alexis responds.

“Uh, it’s _the worst_ for me,” David insists.

“Ok,” says Stevie, before the game goes off the rails. “Patrick. Worst relationship.”

“Rachel, obviously,” says Alexis. “The years of-”

“Actually,” Patrick interjects, “I dated a girl in primary school who used a glue stick as lip gloss? Probably that.”

David shudders. “Have I dated anyone who _doesn’t_ have a sloppy mouth?”

“Probably not,” Stevie says thoughtfully. “Jake regularly ate Cheez Whiz sandwiches.”

“I’d like to change my answer. Worst relationship is a tie between Patrick, Jake and Stevie.”

“We beat the birthday clown,” Stevie says, giving Patrick a proud look.

“Well,” Patrick says to David, “you’ve been alive for a full _22 years_. You’re sure to have a few bad relationships under your belt.”

David gives him an assessing look. “Fine. It’s between Jake and Stevie.”

“What do I have to do to get that top spot?” Stevie asks.

“You’re my worst friend,” David says. “Can’t that be enough?”

“I’m your only friend. But I’ll take it.”

“Ok,” Alexis says, “if we can get back to the _issue at hand__ – _no one else's relationships involved a criminal offence, soI’m pretty sure I won that round.” She grabs the bottle and takes a swig. “Next game. I give the rest of this bottle to whoever _correctly_ guesses how old David is.”

The ensuing chaos takes several hours to clean up.


End file.
